Fun fact about me, I won’t lie. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, especially since I work in customer service, but I don’t lie. The fact is, this past week has absolutely sucked. It seemed as though every day was competing over which day was going to win the prize for “worst of the week.” Also, while I’m being truthful, I’ll admit that my attitude has sucked just as bad if not worse than every day. You see, I’m still working on my journey. I am not an optimistic person when something does not go my way, my first response is to get angry and blame someone or something else. BUT, I am working on it. I was just thinking this morning about whether or not last week would have sucked quite as bad had I not gotten pissed off over every little thing and have it dwell in my mind. That is when I saw the irony of tomorrow. Tomorrow is not just any day, it is a very important day for the whiners like myself. It just so happens, that tomorrow of all days, February 11, is “National Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day.”
Last week was full of inconveniences that tested my patience. For instance, my fiancé and I were short on cash and were looking for small ways to save money. Rather than going out and buying bread for our sandwiches, I decided to save the gas and the change and make a homemade loaf at home. I spent HOURS on this bread. I mixed, kneaded, left it to rise, kneaded again, and then baked this damn bread. When it was finished, I took pictures and glorified it as if I had just reconstructed the Roman Empire. I had to leave to work almost immediately after, so I cut half a slice and placed it on top of the fridge to cool. As I was walking out the door, I looked at my fiancé and said, “DO NOT LET THE CATS GET TO THE BREAD!” And off to work I went. By 10:30 pm, I was drooling at work. I had 30minutes to go and then I could race home with warm bread and snack. That’s when I got a text from my fiancé which read, “Please don’t be mad…” Oh, I was mad. The cats had climbed on top of the fridge, knocked the bread to the floor, and the dog had run over and ate it. Mad is not even the proper word for how I felt. LIVID is how I’d describe it. I stayed angry about this incident for days. I allowed this to spark legitimate arguments between me and the one person who loves me more than anyone. I even went so far as to compare the bread to myself and told him that he just let it fall and get destroyed… (I know. I am pathetic and have since apologized.) At the end of the day, I should have realized that what’s done is done. I cannot resurrect our lost bread. I should not have “cried over spilled milk” if you will. Instead, I didn’t just cry, but I mourned the dough I had kneaded and baked. This pitiful response to a bad situation created so much unnecessary pain that I am genuinely embarrassed to admit to it. But, I won’t lie.
So, tomorrow morning if you wake up late and start to rush out the door: your coffee may be weak, your keys might be hiding in an unfamiliar location, or you may just be worn out from a late-night project, remember, “Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk.”
Above is a picture of my beloved bread. May it Rest In Peace.
Now that my roots have been established, how do I start my journey? How does anyone tackle the great conquest of finding a new lifestyle? A lifestyle that does not revolve around the suppressing energy the world brings us. Here is a step by step guide to how I began.
1 – Realize a Change Needs to be Made
This is quite possibly one of the hardest and most freeing experiences someone can ever endure. This self-realization that you cannot possibly move on in life, that you cannot physically make your body go through the mundane processes of every day until there is something different internally, is possibly the most liberating part of the entire journey. This liberation is brought by the epiphany that your life is not set in stone. That what you are feeling right now, at this moment, is not what you have to experience for the rest of your life. However, for this to happen, you must take responsibility and ownership over your own life, understanding that human existence will not bend your comfort.
2 – Pinpoint Struggle Areas
Especially when suffering from depression or anxiety, it can feel overwhelming to determine where exactly your problems are deriving from. It feels more like your life as a whole is just a disaster of epic proportions and somehow, it is all your fault. Breathe. It is ok. For you to move forward however, you need to relax and think about where these negative thoughts are coming from so that you can start working on a game plan toward fixing them. For me, the majority of my stress was coming from three separate avenues, school, money, and my physical appearance. Once I had narrowed it down to these three areas, I now was able to step back and approach each of them with a “can do” mindset, slowly working toward a realistic solution. Remember, you can’t cure an illness if you don’t know what is making you sick.
3 – Find an Accountability Partner
It is immensely important to have somebody you trust to go along on this journey with you. Addressing and attempting to improve your overall mental health is not an easy task that you should endure alone. Find somebody, anybody, who you can confide in as you approach every step of the way. No matter what, for every step you take in the right direction, it will bring its own set of obstacles. Having somebody aware of your struggle areas, and who knows your game-plan can help support you while getting through all the tough moments, as well as encourage you to keep moving forward. Some people I’d recommend using for an accountability partner is a trusted friend, partner, or certified counselor.
4 – Stay Dedicated and Focussed
Altering an unhealthy mindset and changing a lifestyle takes a lot of time and patience. It won’t change overnight. Understand that even though you are doing everything you can to improve your mental space, there will still be hard days. These moments and days of weakness will try and get the better of you, they will discourage you and do everything in their power to try and get you to give up. Don’t. This would be a great time to call up that accountability partner and have them remind you why you are making this change and encourage you to keep on pressing on.
Lastly, 5 – BREATHE!
You are doing everything you can do. Take a deep breath and take pride in yourself for putting in the hard work and effort it takes to become the best version of yourself. Appreciate your results and outcomes, don’t belittle the significance of any impact you’ve made, no matter how small it may seem. You are strong and you have the power to change.
Honestly, I never saw myself as somebody who’d be interested in starting a blog. I suppose I never thought I’d have something worth writing about. Until recently, there wasn’t much I wanted to talk about openly, but I now see it as an opportunity to share my story and document a personal journey to strive toward self-development, peace, and inner joy.
You may be asking yourself, “where did this all start?” And “what happened that has so suddenly motivated you to embark on this journey so publically?” I’ll explain:
In 2012 I was 14-years-old, homeschooled and living an extremely conservative life in Pennsylvania. I was one of 6 children and my mother was pregnant. Our family had just gone through the loss of a 2nd-trimester miscarriage, so this child was going to be our family’s rainbow baby. I was particularly ecstatic over the fact the due date was in VERY close proximity to my birthday. In my mind, it was all planned. This child’s 1st birthday would fall on my sweet 16, we’d have the hugest party anyone had seen, ESPECIALLY since I’d share it with the rainbow child. Then, the fateful day arrived.
This is one of 4 videos my parents put together for Judah’s funeral. It perfectly embodies the “rainbow season” my family was experiencing throughout the entire pregnancy with her.
November 6, 2012. My mom had a personal doppler at home, (something she purchased after the loss of the previous child.) and that morning she could not find a heartbeat. By evening Judah Jubilee Young was born, directly into the arms of Jesus. She was a precious baby girl. I still can envision the smell of her blankets we took home. Rather than celebrating, we mourned. Her funeral was held on the next closest Saturday we could have it planned for, November 17, 2012, my 15th birthday. It was a weird day. Family and friends lining up in the church to offer their condolences, but then following it up with a “happy birthday” and handing me a small package.
The following video may be disturbing/sensitive to some viewers. Please show discretion when viewing.
This is one of 4 videos put together by my parents in honor of my late sister, Judah Jubilee.
This is where the story really begins. I will perhaps share more about Judah, her short life, and her impact in a later blog, but for now, just know that her life is special and treasured. It changed the course of my entire family’s life forever.
As the family went through grief, mom quickly became pregnant again and less than a year later on October 10, 2013, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Evelyn Love. Nothing was perfect however, mom still was struggling with her depression and I was an adolescent, confused and trying to make sense of the strange world. I actually had gone to see a psychiatrist for a few months. I hated him, but lucky for me he was later arrested for molesting a number of his young, female patients. However, he also will be a story for another time.
January after Evelyn was born, my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, an autoimmune disease that has no permanent cure. By this time I was 16. With everything that had gone on in the past 20 months, I started to believe that the world was an ugly tragedy set-up for some to thrive and others to suffer. I found myself often on the latter end.
Mom was not getting any better and the brisk Pennsylvania weather was of no help. Not to mention that literally everywhere she went, there would reminders and trauma of the “rainbow” pregnancy she had. The solution? My parents opted that a move to get away from it all would help in healing. At this time I was angry. I was 17, I just started my first in-school experience, and I had my first boyfriend who gave me so many new experiences. With my life finally starting to look up, the last thing I wanted was to give it all up and go somewhere foreign to me. By the summer of 2015, it was done. My parents did what they thought best for the family and in August before my senior year of high school, I moved to South Carolina.
As you can imagine leaving everything and everyone behind was so hard, but I knew there had to be a silver-lining, and that wouldn’t come until 3 years later.
Honestly, the next few years were pretty uninteresting and unimportant for purposes of this blog. In 2017 I split from that first boyfriend of mine (a story I will share at a later time) and I had transferred to a few different colleges. However, there was no real trauma again until 2019.
2019 hit me like a bus. I was living with my new boyfriend and it was stressful. My parents were unsupportive of the idea since we were not married, and I was just starting my first semester of clinicals for my education major. My anxiety became my closest companion. It was with me when I woke up, I carried it in my backpack, and it was with me when I laid my head down at night. I started falling behind in school and I didn’t know why I was so paranoid. I was afraid of something happening that would ruin my relationship, or that he would leave because my baggage was too heavy. It got to the point where I would hyperventilate just by the thought of opening blackboard.
May 2019, It was finals week and my anxiety was consuming me. That’s when all hell broke loose. My sister had come to visit me and she was unstable. She was making plans of killing herself and I didn’t know what to do. I was petrified. I tried to lure her into my car so I could drive her to a hospital but she wouldn’t come. Eventually, I got her outside of the apartment, she just stared at the major highway that was only 50 yards ahead of us. I knew what she was thinking. I was mortified by the thought of it. I screamed and eventually got her into my car. That week, my sister was admitted to the hospital and after having been discharged she currently is doing better than she ever has in her life.
One day, much like many events in my life, I will write these stories in further detail but for now these summaries are all I have to offer.
After the spring epidemic with my sister, I spiraled. I was tense and on-edge about everything. I couldn’t bring myself to ever finish those classes that semester because every time I thought of them, I panicked. I associated the courses with fear and pain. This was my fault and it has started to raise the question in me: How much of my suffering and pain is brought on by out-of-control circumstances, and how much of it is the result of my own paranoia, which clutches any sliver of light in my life and dims it?
I refuse to be the victim of my anxiety and depression any longer. In this blog, my goal is to try several healing methods and exercises and document my experience. I will start by altering my thoughts. Whenever I feel a negative inclination or self-deprecating thought enter my mind I will stop and tell myself out-loud the opposite. This will be my first step towards finding inner-peace and making the most joy with the life that I am given. I hope that if anybody else who has been struggling with anxiety or depression comes across my blog, they will find 2 things: 1) they’re not alone. There are so many aching hearts in the world right now, it’s time we start acknowledging those feelings and as a community surround each other with love and support. And 2) I hope that in my journey I will inspire others to join me, to try some of these methods (depending on what works) and maybe, just maybe I can help others who are in my situation as well.
Savannah's Journey 